Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself : You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on educationEducation is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

And who might you be?

Hey all... well life is fine, nothing really interesting to report, even if people did take much notice. There is an MPH writing contest which I wrote for. I was feeling 'write'-ish, but it seems that I was just rambling about life again. The theme for the contest was Time: How can a few seconds seem like an eternity, and yet years can pass by so quickly? Here's what I wrote:

The traffic light was red. I ground my teeth as time seemed to slow to a crawl, keeping me stuck here in the car. The sun was an indistinct circle behind a wall of haze. Heat simmered off vehicles around me, the waves somehow taunting me. Cars grumbled as fellow drivers waited for what seemed like an eternity for the light to turn green. The air-conditioning blew almost gently at me, teasing me, caressing my face with a cool breeze. All of it was starting to irritate me. Finally, the light turned green. I zipped off into the distance, speeding just a tad bit to make up for the time I felt I had lost. I cursed the people who set the timer for the traffic light, feeling as if they were just out to get me. I looked down, checking the time. Less than three minutes had passed. I blinked, surprised.

Later on in the day, I sat lazily on a bench. I was out in my neighborhood, home at last after a tedious day at college. The sun was now hidden behind the clouds. The air was much cooler, and a breeze blew across the field in front of me, some leaves being picked up and tossed around in a strangely graceful dance. Children ran around happily screaming as they played tag with each other. I felt content and happy as clouds floated by at a leisurely pace. Life could not get much better than this, I thought. I wanted to enjoy this time as much as possible, unmoving, unthinking. My mind emptied. It filled abruptly as I realized that the sun was setting already. The air was getting colder as the ground lost its heat. The children had gone home, tired and happy from a day of play. The clouds were an interesting shade of orange and purple. I was surprised at how fast time flew by me. How could this be? At one time, I was stuck in traffic forever. Now, time seemed to have laughed at me and just skipped a few hours. Time flies when you’re having fun.

The next evening, I was again sitting on the bench. This time, I thought about something: How does time seem fast at one point, and very slow at the other? How can a few minutes seem like forever, while a few hours could just skip my mind? How does life change from a very quick series of experiences, to the slow development of our selves? I thought back on the situation I was in: When I was in traffic, I felt that time was crawling. When I was enjoying myself, time flew by in a blink. I also thought about my childhood; the minutes, hours, and days seemed to crawl by when I was young. I used to complain about boredom all the time. Now, the days seem to pass so quickly that I find myself a little lost at times on the things that I have to complete. I pondered on this strange aspect of time. It seemed there were two ways of looking at this changing importance of time. One was that time could have relative meanings for different situations. Another was that our own minds perceive time differently as we grow older.
The passage of time feels different in different situations. As time is a human concept, and to humans everything can be relative, then time is relative. When one is rushing to work, time is very short, and whatever waiting one has to do will seem like forever because one will experience delays intensely as one counts the time left to reach a destination. When one is basking in the glory of the day, time seems to have little meaning but for the change in scenery. Nothing truly affects a person who does not have to worry about time, does it? It all comes down to whether a person notices that time passes. Children seem to have an acute sense of the passing of time. I have heard of and experienced a child’s life of waiting for time to pass. Each minute could seem like an agony to pass. It could explain children’s short attention spans.
My mind wandered back to the years that have passed in my life. Nineteen years is not as long a time as it seems. In primary school, I had always perceived time as a crawling snail, sluggishly bringing itself to new days at such a slow pace. A thirty minute class seemed like a year; now that I am in college, classes are two hours long for each subject, and somehow I find that the sun sets so much earlier than I thought it would. It seemed that as more time gets absorbed into our brains, as we perceive more passing of time, a certain amount of time becomes small relative to the time recorded in our brains. If we were a minute old, that minute would be everything for us. Each second in that minute adds so much to the minute of our lives. Now that I am nineteen years old, a minute seems like a small thing. In thinking about this, I envy the child that I was before.

Children live their lives to the second. They experience every second of their lives, and do not take time for granted. Every second they have registers subconsciously, and so they get bored easily. Patience may not be an absolute virtue: Now that I have learned patience, it seems that most of the time I am not aware of time passing. I do not live the seconds of my life like the child I used to be. I now wait for time to pass, focusing on what the passing of time brings instead of reveling in the time that is passing. Time is precious: How much could we have done if we lived every moment of our lives, instead of letting it pass in waiting for more substantial things? Does every moment passing really register in our minds now? I think that most people would rather spend their time doing something productive. What they don’t realize is that doing nothing could be doing something as well. There are few today who can truly enjoy the passing of time.

I shake my head sadly as I think about the many people today who can not appreciate what it is like to sit down and do nothing but watch time pass. To them, time is a very limited resource; best spent doing something that will benefit them in the end. It takes a different kind of mindset to be able to see that doing nothing could be beneficial to oneself. That mindset is that of a child, and that of a mature person. I believe that it is possible to live life both as a child and as a mature person: Live every moment of life as it comes instead of letting it pass by, and use one’s mature thinking to keep oneself from boredom. There is a child in every one of us; it just takes a lot of serious thinking to find it.

And voila! Ramblings. Comments yeah if you have any ;)

It's been a really dull, yet interesting few months I guess. College is going on and on, not much to say about it really. The subjects are fun, and I think I'm doing fine in grades.

The month has been pretty crazy I think. Lots of people breaking up or having problems. It's really interesting to see, since just recently 6/6/6 has just passed. Maybe these two have a connection? Let me tell you of the things that people have experienced:

1. My friend's sister got into an accident and broke both her legs
2. My friend got dumped
3. Another friend's potential boyfriend somehow didn't click anymore
4. A closer friend is now playing with another girl, which I highly disapprove, but what to do?
5. Another friend's potential is an obsession and attention freak, but he has a new prospect already.
6. A friend is now receiving what he believes as bad karma for all the things he's done in the past.

Will add more if I ever remember.

Other than that, life's fine I think? I've been thinking back again, wondering and reminiscing on the years which have passed. I can remember quite a few first times, really. First times I met someone, first time I did something. It's funny, and sad, and somehow wonderful when I look back at the things I used to do or tried to do. I remember the first time I met Wey Ping. I remember the first day I saw Chern Quang. I remember the first time I rode a bike properly, and the fall after that. I remember my first kiss (I don't think that's very hard ;)). I remember the times I've had, some of them anyway. All so complicated, so simple, and so very lovely.

Have you ever thought about your past?

The fear of being alone is greater in some people than others. This not only applies to friends, but to someone close whom you could never really part with. I have this fear, and this fear is generated by the fear of not being able to get over someone if they do not want me anymore.

Previously, I was talking about the small things. The small things in life count too, that's what I said. The thing about this is that I have already done so many small things to keep my relationship with someone strong. If I ever lose her, those things that I did would seem very... unoriginal if I did them on someone else. The way I think is that this little lady of mine will be with me for keeps. There will be no one else for the rest of my life. I know if I ever lose her, I will probably take a very, very long time to get over it. Not only that, the next time I think about doing those small things again, I would not think it was something original, thus fucking up the intent and the feeling that I put into that small thing. You may not understand.

I always think about the small ways I can keep life interesting for the both of us. Somehow I know that if this relationship doesn't work out, I'd find it extremely hard to have an interest in someone else. I am not the type of person who can just change from girl to girl. Most of you who know me know that I think very differently when it comes to certain things. This would be one of them. Jumping into relationships is not something I do.

Bah whatever, I've lost my train of thought.

In our lives we meet people who we will cherish for the rest of our lives. We will hang out with these people, talk with them, laugh with them, do nothing with them. In time however, we find that we slowly move away from them, as we become more and more absorbed with our own lives. Of course, we always say we'll be keeping in touch, we'll make sure we do stuff together still, but sometimes it really is very hard to find time to do anything outside. College isn't always as easy as it sounds, and some people really do struggle with their work.

Always we put the blame on something so that we can explain why something happens, or why something should change. Sometimes though, we may be focusing just a little too much on that something, and as such become blinded to any other kind of reason. Perhaps we do not know all the reasons, but we could at least allow for some sort of explanation to be given to explain why there are other reasons. It really isn't very good to just stick to one problem and keep banging on it without opening our minds to other possible reasons. Discussing it directly with the person involved would be a very good idea to solve the problem, instead of discussing it amongst people who just aren't in the same situation as the person involved. How would you know if his work was hard or not? Do you know everything the person does? The kind of stuff he has to put up with? Are you sure about the way he spends his time? There are lots of things a person could do in his or her free time.

There are times of course, many times, when the person involved really does have a problem. This should be brought up immediately in a direct, yet non-accusatory tone. In doing so, you do not put the person on the defensive of anything, and as such will be able to reason with him on certain things. One should always listen to the other side of the story before jumping to conclusions. One should always have a suggestion, not a demand, ready to be explained to that person so that he or she will be able to think about it. One should never, ever jump to conclusions without listening to all the facts, despite what one sees, feels, or hears about. This sort of behaviour is the root of all ignorant prejudice and problems.

Talking it out and listening, actually listening, to the other side is a thousand times more effective than thrusting an opinion or idea to someone and just hearing what their reply is. There is a very, very big difference between hearing and listening to someone. Think about what you listen to, and see if there is any fault in your own way of thinking. Not everyone is right. The person involved might not be right, and you yourself might not be right either. To keep an open mind is a great asset in the world of prejudice and discrimination.

Of course, to the person involved there is always the possibility where 'if everyone disagrees with you, you may want to disagree with yourself'. Taking this into account, one must always remember that it is not easy at all for someone to believe that he is wrong, especially when everyone else does not really understand what goes on in the person's life. The person will be all defensive when he finds out that you did not bother to ask why he was busy. He would be angry that you did not believe what he said, even though it could be true. There are times when one's prejudice and focus on the problem causes that person to say things which are totally wrong. This in turn causes the person involved to be very, very angry. How could you be that person's friend if you do not believe in what he says? He believes what you say all the time. His faith in you is so strong that if you truly needed him, he would be there in a trice. But what happens, do you think, when you do not have faith in him? What happens when you don't believe what he says? What happens when your own over-focused self spurns the things he says, believing that your side of the story is always better? Do you think for one second that you are 100% right in saying something? Do you think that your friend won't be hurt when you say things like that? Do you think that he thinks it's just a joke? Are you sure that you meant it as a joke?

There are times when friends hurt other friends. Most of the time this is unintentional. However, to the person that was hurt, it would not seem so unintentional when taken into context. An offhand remark which was denied but still said would cause the person that was hurt to think that what you said was intentional, that you truly believed that your side was the right one, even though the person hurt knows that it is not. Sometimes it becomes really very hard for the person not to be angry at what you say, because what you said involved someone or something that was very close to the person's heart. Would you not be angry if that person insulted something you held dear? I think not.

As we grow older, our lives become more and more filled up with shit to do. This is natural. As I said earlier, we will focus more and more on our own lives as more and more demands on us pile up. Sometimes I wish I could be back in my high school days, because those were the days when I did not have assignments which took hours to finish, those were the days when studying was something I did to make myself sleepy, those were the days when I could just sit for hours on a bench without a worry in the world. Those days are long gone though. Sometimes a person really is too tired. Three hours of college may not seem like much compared to the eight hours we spend in school, but it somehow is more draining than school, probably because of the density of knowledge taught at college. It is a wholly different world from high school because assignments take much longer than what homework took when you were in high school. It's not easy to change how one thinks, ever.

Still, it is agreed that someone who is dedicated to keeping friendships and relationships together should of course try to balance things out. Admittedly I spend more time on the PC than with friends, but this could also be due to external factors. My parents, for example, frown upon me going out all the time. Sure, things may not be happening every day, but even three times a week outside, they start giving me the dark looks everyone is familiar with. How am I supposed to put up with that? I would certainly like to go out more since I have the time, but if my parents don't give me money or the car to do so, what the hell am I to do? I try to limit the number of times I stay out, since my parents don't really like it. Still, no matter what I do I can't please everyone. I only have 7 days in a week, which I have to divide between college (assignments mostly, fuck studying.), my family (sunday gathering, to "keep us close"), myself (I need down time to think.), my lady (only 1 day a week, but it's still too much for some people), my friends (who aren't as attached to any of the abovementioned things). I tried to keep up with everything, but apparently the current system just isn't good enough.

So. This is my life. And now I'm going to have to change it. It would be easy for you to suggest what I could do to make things balance out, but I am a person. People are DIFFERENT from one another. I don't feel as energetic about much as another person. You may think I'm weird for being tired so early, but that is the way I am, even though I may stay up till 4 playing video games. It's all about the interest in the things we do. I may like something, but you may not. I can't change that.

I always laugh when I hear or read that it's good to 'be yourself'. You go out on a date, and people say 'just be yourself'. Everyone prides themselves on 'being special', or 'being you', or 'doing things your own way', or 'living life your way'. I fucking laugh when I hear that. Nobody gives a flying fuck that you are who you are. Everyone expects SOMEthing from another person, and that something means something common, something similar to them. Some form of characteristic, a major one at that, which will enable them to click with you. Without it, you're cast out of the group. We all scorn people from outside our group because we don't understand what they believe in. We don't give a fuck about them because they're 'different'. Different in skin, different in lifestyle, different in thinking. No one gives a shit that you are special. People only care about people who are like them.

Sometimes -- many times really -- I wonder what do people think about. I wonder whether their thought patterns are like mine. I wonder whether they know that it's the little things in life that really count, not just the big things. I wonder whether they believe and act on that thought. I wonder if they actually care about the small things, whether they think about it, whether they do stuff like that, whether they really, really appreciate the small things. Everyone can agree that 'the small things in life count'. But which one of us truly does small things like that? Which one of us truly believes in the small things? We may say we do, but do we? As they say, only god knows. Most of us just focus on the big things, the things that grab everyone's attention. In looking at that big thing, we tend to forget about the small things happening in the background. How is that fair? Even small things can be big things in the long run. Do you know the small things that make every relationship stronger? Do you know what are the small things you could do to make someone love you all the more? Do you practice them? Or would you concentrate more on the big things, more on the things that draw the most attention? The small things sometimes are the hardest things to do, they are the things which involve hard work and dedication to what you believe in. The big things are big because of the perceived effort put into them. Would you truly bother about the small things when big things are available?

And so goes my rants for today.

Weeeeeeeeeeee!